June 11, 2014

22 Things I Don't Want For Father's Day

I'm a pretty simple guy. 

Father's Day is never a day that I have really cared about much. I don't need anyone to celebrate me or put me on a pedestal.  I find it all awkward. Whenever I am asked what I want for Father's Day or what I want to do, I always respond that it doesn't matter.  I honestly don't care.  We could go to a ball game, watch the boys play ball, head to the beach, whatever we would normally do on any given Sunday in the summer is fine by me.  All I ask is that you don't go crazy buying things.  I have enough stuff and if I want anymore, I can go get it myself.  Here are 22 things I don't want to get on Father's Day:
  1. One of those "Hands Down Best Dad" Shirts. I'll never wear it and besides being a dad is not a competition.
  2. Breakfast in bed. I would be too worried about spilling coffee all over the bed.
  3. Flavored popcorn. I have a microwave. I can pop it myself.
  4. Some sort of golf gadget. I have clubs, it's all I need to play golf
  5. Fruit of the Month Club membership. They have grocery stores I can go to. I don't need overpriced produce.
  6. Coffee. I can't tell the difference between good and bad coffee.
  7. A blender. That's for my wife.
  8. A personalized calendar. There is an app on my phone for that.
  9. Flowers. They die.
  10. A spatula.  I can't tell you how many of these I have in my house.
  11. Tickets to a show/game/play/anything.  The last thing I want is to be forced to make future plans.
  12. Scotch.  It makes me gag.
  13. Chocolate.  I will eat too much and get fat.
  14. A wallet.  The one I have has perfectly conformed to my butt.  A new one would be too uncomfortable.
  15. Anything from a drug store. 
  16. A store bought card.  Save the $3.99 and buy yourself some gum. (Just don't chew it around me)
  17. Car wax. Who the hell has time to wash their own car?
  18. A photo book.  That's my thing for Mother's Day.
  19. A watch. My phone tells time.
  20. A tie. The last time I wore a suit was a Bar Mitzvah three years ago.
  21. A Roomba. I have a robotic vacuum cleaner in my garage that has never seen the light of day.
  22. Something in a picture frame.  I don't have a desk to display it.
You could just buy me beer, or head to Sears and get anything off their Destination Dad list. While you are there enter their "Snap you 'stache contest and beat these photos.

Anything like this stuff I MIGHT allow
*I was chosen by Sears and Life of Dad to be a brand ambassador this Father's Day.  I was compensated for this post.  All opinions are my own, unless my wife tells me otherwise.

John Willey - Daddy's in Charge?


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