February 22, 2013

Life Without Dad

I don't know how it happened, but somehow my Lego doppleganger got lost.  I am usually very good with these little guys and sometimes treat them nicer than I do my own kids.  Well I clean them off when they get cream cheese or food on them anyway, that is more than I can say about Tyler and Carter.  Needless to say it's been a rough few days around here.  When dad vanishes, things just aren't the same.

Hopefully we can find him soon before, the rest of the house starts to fall apart.

John Willey - Daddy's in Charge?


February 20, 2013

Why My Son Should Be the Next Bachelor

The Bachelor is my favorite show on television.

I always get ribbed by other dads saying that I should get my "Man Card" taken away because of that.  Of course none of them actually watch the show and don't understand the appeal of 25 women fighting over one guy. Ladies, smack some sense into that husband of yours because they might just realize that YOU are pretty darn normal compared what they will witness on television.

So Sean, The Bachelor, is down to his final three women. There are places that you can go to find out who won, but what is the appeal in that? It's usually at this point in the show that I start to wonder who out of these three women will end up being the next Bachelorette.  Yes, I obsess a little too much about this, but I know I am not alone. There are scores millions of guys just like me, it's just that you don't hear from them because I am the one with the blog.

He's got muscles
All of this got me to thinking about how my son would be perfect as the next Bachelor.  Sure he is five, soon to be six, and they probably have some sort of age restriction, but he could just be the perfect guy to star in the next installment.

As you can see Carter is strong.  He is also a very capable swimmer, which will certainly come in handy for the numerous times he will end up in a hot tub or when he is bound to jump off the back of a boat in the Caribbean.  You don't have to worry about him drowning, he is most excellent in the water. In fact he is very athletic and when they need to film him in slow motion, he does like to run around with his shirt off from time to time.  Ladies LOVE that.

He knows how to have fun
He likes to go on carnival rides.  ABC likes to send the Bachelor to an amusement every year, so obviously this is a no-brainer.  I know you are probably thinking that he is a little small, but I assure you that he is almost tall enough to go on a lot of the big kid rides now.  The only rides that scare him are rides like the Haunted Mansion.  But that's perfect because it shows his vulnerability and that obviously makes women swoon.

He likes to travel. If you've seen the Bachelor you know they go all over the world.  Well, Carter is worldly as he's been to a lot foreign countries and only proceeded to cause a scene in a few of them.  All ABC has to do is NOT go to Canada, Germany, Italy, or France.  I assure you he CAN travel to those countries, but it might be best that he doesn't.  Besides he probably has outgrown a lot of those issues, but even if he hasn't, that would make for great TV. Am I right?

He can treat ladies like royalty, sometimes
Most importantly Carter loves the ladies, most of the time. When he isn't telling his mom how ugly she is, he is constantly saying how sexy she is.  In fact he calls me sexy too.  I'm pretty sure it's his ONLY word right now. Imagine what he would do with a group of 25 women. ABC could have a field day with him, and sexiness would be everywhere. To heck with Justin Timberlake, Carter would bring sexy back.

There are some minor issues obviously. He can't read, he can't do math, and he can't drive a car yet.  He still refuses to wipe his own butt and there are very rare times when he wets his bed.  The bachelorettes might have to carry him around from time to time as well. ABC can certainly just edit those parts out.

Ratings gold I tell you.

John Willey - Daddy's in Charge?


February 13, 2013

A Valentine's Day Apology

I need to apologize in advance of Valentine's Day.

When your kid comes home from school tomorrow and sees that someone in their class ONLY got your kid a card, that was from my son.  I am so sorry that your child did not get a pencil or a bag of plastic crap disguised as toys.  It's nothing against your child, it's just I guess I am a horrible parent.  I know that you took the time to personalize each card and attached that cute little stuffed bear with the cupid wings to it.  That's not me.  It's very thoughtful of you though, but I am not going to compete with you over this sort of thing.  If I did, I assume next year whatever you get my child on Valentine's Day would be even better than this year; perhaps an Xbox or something.

Really looking forward to these
Even though the school said no candy, I really appreciate the fine assortment of ring pops that you got my son.  Oh, and the three dollar Subway gift card will really come in handy.  Don't get me wrong the cute little pink unicorn that you got last year was great until it got thrown in the garbage as soon as my son got home.  The coloring books are really handy in this digital age too.  Maybe on your kids half birthday you can get my son an iPod or something.

All this extra gift giving is really making me question myself as a parent.  Should I be putting more thought into days like Valentine's Day than I do?  Do my kids hate me because while they are getting balsa wood airplanes and a sheet of stickers, they look like fools only handing out the $1.99 Phineas and Ferb cards?  And what do all the other parents think of me?  I must look like a complete moron not buying up all the temporary Scooby Doo tattoos.

So I want to personally apologize to all to go getters out there that are making their kids look like awesome on Valentine's Day.  I would like to say that I will make it up to you come St. Patrick's Day or Easter, but chances are I won't. It's not that I don't like your kid, I just don't like all the junk that they get mine.

John Willey - Daddy's in Charge?


February 8, 2013

Picking up the Essentials

This is a weekend that my kids have been waiting for for almost two years.  We haven't had any significant snowfall since Halloween of 2011.  Tyler has been begging me to make it snow, but of course me not being Mother Nature, it's kind of impossible.  You know the drill, whenever the whether turns, people have to make a mad dash for the stores to pick up a few things.  It always amazes me that people around here don't have snow shovels, or maybe it's just that last years model won't shovel this years snow.  Whatever the case, the lines at Lowes and Home Depot are always filled with people and their shovels.  The grocery stores are the same.  We always run out to grab food like we are going to holed up in our house for about a month.  I see people walking the aisles buying things like crazy and it always seems to be the same things every time. Which leaves me with one question:

It baffles me.  I mean I like to eat it, but is it the official food of every storm?  Enjoy the snow everyone!  And of course enjoy your french toast.

John Willey - Daddy's in Charge?


February 5, 2013

This Old Lego

Like a lot of men, I like to build things.  Also like a lot of men, I am not one to admit defeat when I can't do something.  A simple project that should take no more than a couple of hours turns into a three day ordeal.  I like perfection, and when it isn't happening, I get frustrated.  Some times I give up and move on to something else, leaving the project to sit half done.  I have a lot of projects like that around my house, just waiting for the finishing touches.  I decided that my last project would be to finish a closet that houses my computer.  My wife had been asking me for a long time to do something with it, but I kept putting it off knowing that it wasn't going to be the easiest thing to do.  I am happy to report that the closet got finished, but it wasn't without a little outside help.

If only they could come to my house and finish all of the things I started.  A man can dream right?

John Willey - Daddy's in Charge?


February 1, 2013

Top 10 Disney Babes

Over the years Disney movies have produced some of the best looking animated characters on the silver screen.  With over 50 animated features and counting, that leaves a lot of great looking women to be seen.  It's not easy to come up with a Top 10 as there are a bunch of the princess movies that I have yet to see.  As you know, I have boys and as they get older the idea of sitting down and watching something like Snow White just isn't going to happen.  Now I have included Pixar movies and did not include Jessica Rabbit out of fairness to the rest of these fine ladies. I mean seriously she has a great "personality."

10. Bo Peep

There is kind of a sweetness to her, or at least there should be, but if you ever saw Toy Story there is kind of a subtle sexiness to her.  She also has that big hook to keep you in line.  I mean she really gets Woody aroused... get your head out of the gutter, Sheriff Woody!

9. Mirage

It's too bad that jerk Syndrome was in her life; he really brought her down. That doesn't stop the fact she is hot, in a Pixar kind of way.

8. Rapunzel

I fear she might be a little young, but hey she has that hair.  I know that men are suckers for hair, and that is a 'do that you could really get lost in.  Being in that castle for so long, you just know that she is looking to explore.

7. Ariele

Again she is quite young I know, but aren't all these characters young?  Look at the audience of these movies.  I guess it's probably the clam shells, or the flowing red hair, or the fact she wants to be with us... up where we walk, up where we run.  I do like her better with feet though.

6. Pocahontas

I have never actually seen the movie.  I could never get my boys to sit down and watch it.  They are boys after all.  Ever since my son started to study the Iroquois and the Hopi, it got me thinking about her again.  I am a sucker for a lady that knows how to paddle a canoe, and the name alone!

5. Jasmine

Oh Princess Jasmine there is something about your enhanced eyes that makes me weak in the knees.  I know if I was Aladdin I would be rubbing the lamp all night to make the Genie appear.

4. Jane

At first I didn't like her, she seemed way to snobby all dressed up. But as the movie wore on she got a little more wild. If only they would have showed her more in her loin cloth.  It's enough to make any man go ape!

3. Esmeralda

I think it's the dark green eyes and the flowing black hair that make her stand out. Now only if she would perform some sort of witchcraft she might be higher on the list.  She has got to stop hanging out with that Hunchback though.  Although it's kind of like being the hot chick hanging with her fat friends, maybe that is what makes her look better?

2. Belle

She is all class. There is something to be said about a girl that would choose someone like the Beast to be with. She studies, likes the arts, and has a genuine distaste for Gaston.  She really seems like the perfect woman. If someone like Belle would choose this monster, it gives hope to all men out there.

1. Sally

Let's face it, she's a Porsche with tattoos, who happens to be a lawyer. She's from Los Angeles.  She also owns a motel that I am sure you can get by the hour. You just have to get under her hood first.

So who would you choose? 

John Willey - Daddy's in Charge?