March 1, 2013

Five Things Moms Say

As I was scrolling my Twitter timeline yesterday I came across an article about "Funny Things Dads Say." I'm always curious to see if other dads sound anything like me. Usually I'm screaming at the top of my lungs for someone to stop hitting their brother or to get down off the chandelier. To my surprise the article was not written by a dad, but by a mom.

Now normally I wouldn't get so sensitive to these sort of things, but this is a place where I happen to be a writer as well. (Check out my latest!!!) I have no problem if someone wants to write a self deprecating piece about what dads say, but to hear it out of the mouth of the opposite sex is something that I am growing tired of.

I understand that women make up the majority of people that read blogs, perhaps you are one of them, and if this was turned around and I wrote a piece about what moms say I might be vilified, regardless of whether it was intended to insult them or not.

Whoops, too late:

Listen, kids run around and inevitably they are going to fall down.  As much as you want to tell them about what is going to happen, they won't truly know until they find out themselves.  It's not so bad to let them get a little boo boo every now and then.

Yeah, thanks for making us out to be the bad guy.

Grab a chair, grab a light bulb, take out the old one, put in the new one.  It's not rocket science.

Your kid is five.  It's embarrassing seeing you hold your kids hand down the slide. Let him go and catch him at the bottom, it's way more fun.  Stop acting like he is going to fall off the playground.  Chances are he won't.

Stop.  Let's wait a few weeks to see what he is into next, before you take up an entire wing in your house with this over sized soon to be lego table.

In typical guy fashion, I can't count.  But at the end of the day, you know that you've said it.  Don't drink any of that White Zinfandel crap.  You might think that you are all classy, but please go for a Cabernet, or a Red Zinfandel, or maybe even a Reisling.  While we are talking about wine, please stop bringing Pinot Grigio as a gift... that's garbage.

John Willey - Daddy's in Charge?



  1. What is it with the whole buying the most expensive, biggest item when a kid shows an ounce of interest in something? "We" got a giant train table in our little apartment when my son started liking trains. It took up half of our living room. Now that we're in a house that can fit it, the train table's in the garage.

  2. Wow. I must really be a crappy Mom because I've never said any of these things. Except, I did come close to the first one... it was "I don't want to hear it when you hurt yourself." :)

  3. I never hear what I'm supposed to be saying either. Makes me wonder who's talking.

  4. I never do the "wait until your Dad gets home" thing because I don't want my husband to be the "bad guy." We handle our business as it occurs.

  5. You forgot to add one in about killing an insect, any insect, that has penetrated the house and gotten in to the bathroom or kitchen.

  6. Great stuff. But, where are all the haters? Nevermind, I need a beer.