April 15, 2011

Daddy's Rules of the Road

It's time for spring break and the family has decided it's time for a road trip.  This one will certainly be a nightmare extra special as we are joined by my in laws.  I have yet to go on a road trip with them, so this is an entirely new experience.  I should let them know there are a few basic rules that they must follow in order to make me, the driver, happy.  I always drive because as the website states Daddy's in Charge.

  1. There will be NO stopping.  I can't stand waiting on a road trip I just want to get there.  That means we don't stop at any farm stands or big balls of twine.  WE ARE NOT STOPPING.
  2. If the GPS says we can get there at 5:14, we are going to get there by no later than 5:09.  We all know that the GPS is programmed to follow the speed limits and does not take things into account like the prevailing winds, the ocean currents, or a lead foot.  What does this mean?  See Rule #1
  3. There will be no eating in the car.  We will not get off the highway, to stop at any McDonalds or Wendys.  The last thing I want to find on the floor of my car is a year old french fry.  You will only be allowed to eat what I pack, but since you are not allowed to eat in the car, I guess you are out of luck.  See Rule #1.
  4. I don't care if you have to go to the bathroom, you can hold it until we get there.  Otherwise you are going to have to wait until I am done with my Diet Mountain Dew.  You can use the bottle.  See Rule #1.
  5. The radio is mine.  There is no way I am listening to anything from the 60's or the 70's.  It's all 80's or sports talk on the way to our destination.  If you don't like it, buy an ipod and take the bus next time.
  6. I don't want to hear about how close I am driving to the car in front of me.  Trust me I can see that car 300 feet in front, we are not going to hit it, and a wheel is not going to fly off of it and crash into our window.  There will be no "oohs" or "yeeshes" or any "watch outs" from anyone in the vehicle.  The only time I will stop is to let you walk the rest of the way.
  7. We get there when we get there.  It's not going to get us there any sooner if you keep asking me how much longer it's going to take.  If we follow Rule #1 we will get there sooner rather than later.
  8. Traffic is our enemy.  It slows us down, it pisses us off, and there is nothing worse than sitting in traffic.  It does not help out with Rule #2 in any way.
  9. We will not sing songs a la The Brady Bunch.  See Rule #5
  10. I don't care how far below E the gas gauge is, we have enough to get there.  Gas Stations are an evil little distraction on the road where a simple 5 minute stop turns into half an hour.  Every stop at a gas station goes against Rules #1, 2, 3, and 4 and I AM NOT STOPPING.

They are simple rules and easy ones to follow.  I don't know how my in laws will go for them but as long as they know that I am NOT stopping we should be OK.  No leg of the trip is more than 2.5 hours long so hopefully the only rule we will have to follow is RULE #1.  If they are something that you can't deal with, we will take two cars next time.

John Willey - Daddy's in Charge?



  1. This brought back thoughts of road trips I took with my family as a child. I now must go to counseling to deal with the repressed memories.

  2. If those same in-laws you are referring to happen to be the ones who are also (not so coincidentally MY parents), then I can assure you that Rule # 9 will NOT be followed, and for that alone, I feel for you....GOOD LUCK....hope you survive this "extra-special" road trip!!! HAVE FUN! :)

  3. A woman using a Diet Mountain Dew bottle? The mess would be worse than a year old french fry....lol

  4. Josie - sparechaosMay 24, 2012 at 4:05 PM

    I'm copying your rules and taping them in my car. They are perfect. Have fun, we will miss you over on twitter