December 13, 2012

5 Things I Don't Want for Christmas

I am really an easy person to shop for.

Ridiculous I know
I am a guy after all who likes sports and power tools.  I don't build many things, but I have developed a nice collection of power drills and belt sanders.  One day I swear I am going to build the most awesome bookcase to house all of my sports stuff.  I have no place to put it all because I have a wife, a wife that would rather hang up a Sex in the City picture that her brother got her, than see my latest in my Sports Illustrated collection.  One day though, one day!

You want to get me a present?  Get me a gift card to the Syracuse University Bookstore or Lowes.  Let me shop for myself.  With that in mind here are five things to NEVER get me.

1. A visor.  My brother in law got me a Baltimore Orioles visor one year because he heard in passing that I might have been a fan 20 years ago.  A hat would have been nice, but a visor?  I don't know of anyone that has ever worn one and personally I don't get the point.  What is so wrong about covering the entire head? I like hats.  I have about 50 of them (I wear three).

2. Pants.  I hate having to hold up something that is so ugly and have to fake that whole "Pants... they are just what I always wanted" routine.  I love ripping open a box, but when something sucks, faking that I like something so nobody gets their feelings hurt blows.

3.  Anything from a drugstore.  This should be a given.  You obviously put no thought into the gift and were just picking up your allergy medicine when that New York Yankees trinket just screamed that you had to buy it.  I don't want to have to return something to a store where there is nothing that I want to buy myself.  What am I going to do, get my film processed while I am there.

4. Anything that sits on a desk.  I don't have a desk, so this should be pretty self explanatory.  If I did have a desk, I wouldn't want any crap on it.  I have enough clutter in my house and don't want to have clean around anything else that is out in the open.  One thing grows into two, two turns into four, and the next thing you know I have a collection of dolphins in my den. (I don't even have a den)

5. A recipe book. Hell don't buy me a book period.  I have no time to read them, and besides there are these things nowadays called iPads that I can load books onto.  There are also apps that I can access and websites that I can browse that can give me all the latest in culinary exploration.  My cooking consists of macaroni and cheese and chicken.  Find me a book with just those two dishes and I will consider opening your gift.

Bonus.  Don't buy me anything.  Chances are it is going to be the wrong color, size, or team. Don't even try to guess because you are going to be wrong and I am going to have to go to the store anyway to return it. Why don't we just cut out that middle process and go with the cash.

Double Bonus. A bookcase. I told you that I am going to build it myself. Soon.

Of course with all this being said you could just buy me beer this Christmas.  That is something that I would never turn down. Or you could just get something for these guys.

John Willey - Daddy's in Charge?



  1. Love it man. Tracy is the same way. She returns everything I USED to buy her. I dont buy her shit anymore. And my parents always buy me stuff that is horrible. Too big, too small, womens clothes..Oh well. Here is to your tree with beer. Or a keg cooler.

  2. My wife and I usually buy our own stuff now. It's so much easier and nobody gets something they don't want.

  3. Well... I usually steel the kids, but if you must.

  4. None of that Canadian crap though.

  5. So a bearded hat and a snuggie are still on the table?

  6. Yes, unless of course it was purchased at a drug store.

  7. But..but... there's lots of good stuff in CVS. Pretty sure they no longer "process" film there though....

  8. I guess a teddy bear or a heart shaped box of chocolate might be a good thing.

  9. My list for every gift giving occasion is always the same:

    a clean house and obedient children.

    Haven't gotten it yet.

    That's ok, though, cuz I just buy myself some kickin' heels as a consolation prize each time.

  10. I am pretty lucky, cuz while my hubz & I still shop for each other, we mostly stick to books & DVDs. For anyone else, I ask for an Amazon giftcard. I never get one. Which is dumb, cuz I want one REALLY BAD.

    I have a couple Yuenglings in the fridge, & you're welcome to come drink one with me anytime. Was never quite as happy as when they started selling my fave beer here in Ohio!!! *woot*