July 10, 2011

Blogger Idol 2011... Unnatural Woman

So thanks to your help I am on to week THREE of Blogger Idol 2011.  The assignment was a tough one that stretched my imagination, "If you could be the opposite sex for a day."  Fortunately the judges were kind to me.  Without further ado here was my entry for week two.

There are certain things in life that men should experience--being a woman for a day is one of them.  How better to understand their world than to step into one of their many shoes.  The obvious way to spend the day is to stay at home and pleasure myself.  I have heard that there are men who will sit for hours in front of a computer watching women do this very act.  What they are doing themselves I don't know, but if it's good enough for these guys to watch, then it must be even better to participate in.  But I am not going to do that, I have a list of things to do, I just hope I don't waste too much time sobbing and talking about my feelings to get it all done.

  • Since I decided that I am not going to stay home and take care of business myself, I still need to know what it feels like to be a woman.   There are a few obvious choices like Ryan Reynolds or Brad Pitt, but there is only one stallion I'm hopping on,  FABIO.  I have to see for myself what all this fuss was about (20 years ago).  Any man that can sell butter taste is my kind of man.
  • Now that those two minutes are over I need to go on with some shopping.  The first thing that I need is some cellulite cream.  All the ladies seem to be using something that makes their asses red, tingly, and hot, but my ass looks like an orange rind so I am not sure which one to get. Maybe I can just rub one of these miracle creams all over my body so I can transform back to the woman I was 15 years ago?
  • I need a bra.  Not just any bra, I need a bra that is going to give me the boobs of an 18 year old.  37 years and gravity have taken their toll on these saggy lumps.  It's time to jack these suckers up, to trick everyone into thinking I have had some work done.
  • I need a bag.  This is a tricky one because it can't simply hold my wallet and car keys, it has to be an overpriced accessory, able to hold something the size of a small child.  While I am at it, I might as well buy another one just in case I am able to go for a night on the town.  That one has to be the smallest bag imaginable, with only enough room to carry lipgloss.
  • Time for shoe shopping!  How many do I need?  I need black, brown, tan, high heels, flats, boots, so doing the math I need exactly... (carry the one) 137 pairs.  One for every occasion that I might come across.  Make it 138 just in case one of my heels breaks.
  • I need a manicure and pedicure.  I have been a guy for way too long, and much to my wife's chagrin, not one of those so called metrosexual guys that would get something like this done.  I am headed to the beach later so there is no better time than the present.  The beach won't ruin any work that I got done.  If it does, I will just go back and get another one tomorrow because I like getting my feet tickled.
  • I am curious about this thing called a Brazilian, I was thinking I might get it done.  But as I chat with the other ladies over soy chai lattes, the thought of being spread eagle while someone plucks hair I didn't know I had from my nether regions, just doesn't sound appealing enough to make myself look like a prepubescent teen.  
  • With all the shopping out of the way, I have to go to "ladies night."  There is nothing more flattering than being hit on by middle-aged dudes who think they still got it (especially when they tuck their sweatshirts into their hemmed jeans and dance around in their Wal-Mart issued cowboy boots). I will tease them into thinking that they have a chance, so they will spend their hard earned money buying Apple Martinis for me and my friends.  If I did end up going home with one of these studs, it's only because Fabio didn't seal the deal.
  • While it may be "life changing" to experience childbirth, I am certainly not jumping into the body of a pregnant woman late in her third trimester, when I have all this hooking up and shopping to do.  I just trust that there is no feeling like it and that pushing a bowling ball through an opening the size of a straw is something that a man should not experience.  I by the way would not wish you getting hit in the nuts by a tennis ball from five feet away. That's not to say that it is similar, just saying.

Some things I will not touch
Whether or not I can fit this all in my day depends on how many times I start sobbing uncontrollably.  I would like to think I could control my emotions, but with all of these newfound hormones, I don't know if this is possible.  It's probably best that I do just stay home home, set up a webcam, and pleasure myself while some guy in Kansas get his jollies.  That way I can go on Facebook and Twitter to complain about how much I hate my kids and how much they drive me to drink, as if I am the only woman with these problems.  Oh wait, I already do that as a man.  I guess I am more like a woman than I thought.

Judges Comments:

"funny stuff! thats quite a tall order to get done in one day! simple, easy to follow, & funny. good post! "
Erica, from Good Job Momma

"I like how you set up the play-by-play of your day and really let us in on your womanly decision making, weighing out the pros and cons of things such as staying home and pleasuring yourself all day vs. shopping and mani/pedi's. Good comedic writing with a touch of sentiment here and there. "
Random Girl, from Random Girl Blog

"I really enjoyed this post. I laughed mostly all the way through it shaking my head affirmatively. Well done! "

John Willey - Daddy's in Charge?