August 16, 2011

The Dad Suit

I am probably the least fashionable person that I know.  My wife will totally attest to this as she has bought me clothes over the years that I just can't get into, I have put on a few pounds over the years but that's not what I am talking about.  Like a lot of men, I just don't have an eye for fashion.  My idea of an outfit always consists of cargo shorts, to hold all the garbage I collect throughout the day, and a T-shirt.  Usually my shirts have a superhero logo on them, not so much for me, but my kids think I look cool with them on. Who am I to argue with them.

Hey, look at that dad
The problem that I have is with the dad bathing suit. We have all seen them in various forms, but they have one thing in common.  There is a white stripe running down the side of the suit with white piping near the knees.  Nothing screams "I AM A DAD" more than these trunks.  I do believe that with each child that you have you are supposed to add a stripe to your suit.  No kids, no stripe, you get the COOL suits. One kid, one stripe and so on.  Jim Bob Duggar must just wear a completely pinstriped bathing suit at this point.  Now I am not immune to this fashion trend as I myself have one of these suits, and between you and me, I HATE IT.  This is coming from a guy who would wear Chuck Taylors until they literally fell off my feet and who thinks leg warmers rule.  

Can't be a dad, I hope
Now I would not go as far as saying we should all go out and dress like Borat, but there has to be something that designers can come up with.  Did they all just sit in a room in Paris somewhere and laugh at us dads and come up with the dumbest ideas for swimsuits.  Ha, we'll show them stupid dads, we will put a stripe right down your suit, oh and we will add a pocket for you to keep seashells in.  How novel, a pocket with velcro that doesn't last more than a few days.  Just a tip, keep nothing in that pocket.  It serves as much purpose as a woman's lipgloss tote.

Take a look at some of these "designs".  See if you notice a pattern.
Ooh a red stripe




Yeah, all these suits are exactly the same.  Different colors but the same stupid striping.  I don't think that there is a dad in the world that doesn't own some variation of this suit. Sure in Europe they probably have a little speedo, but its got to have a little stripe in there somewhere.  I have been in numerous stores and they are everywhere.  Macy's, JC Penney, Sears, and even Wal-mart all have the same suit.  WHERE IS THE CREATIVITY?  I am not saying that we should go out and make swimsuits like my mom used to make Jams 25 years ago, but the least they could do is give us some sort of variety, and not just a change in color.  I swear it looks like some sort of dad uniform.  Aliens would probably beam down to a beach and laugh at all the silly dads dressed the same.  It's embarrassing.

I am tired of my stupid swimsuit. 
Of course that's mine, I'm a dad.
Which one do you wear?

John Willey - Daddy's in Charge?



  1. HA! My husband has the blue with white stripe. That is hilarious.

  2. You know, it might have as much to do with where we shop as anything else: "Macy's, JC Penney, Sears, and even Wal-mart".

    It'd also be interesting to see how the dad uniform has changed over the years. I seem to remember my dad in some kind of swimsuit version of tighty-whities.

  3. Mine Are blue with one white stripe and one yellow. 3 kids so I need another stripe. From my recent trip to Silverwood where I did not want to be carrying a packback: You know you are a SAHD if you have ever carried and emergency diaper and wipes in you cargo pants pocket.

  4. I used to do that all the time with my shorts... Now I carry extra juice boxes and fruit snacks. We all shop at the same places I guess because we don't have the time to go to a quicksilver store. Any place that we are going to get ONE item is just not a place we dads shop anymore.

  5. The Black/Brown/Orange design above except in the exotic color of Navy Blue w/one stripe (appropriate as I have one kid.) Bought from Kohl's.

  6. Haha, awsome post. Us dads in Sweden must have more style than the dads of the US since we don't have any stripes down our shorts, we're to cool for that lol! :)

  7. You're absolutely right. Never considered that stripe business. I think the design is basically to make the woman you're with look better in their suit. You may look like the average Joe, but she looks GREAT.

  8. Too funny...too true :-(. BUT do the vertical stripes help us dads look taller and leaner??? Or just wishful thinking?

  9. Yes I believe they take at least 10 pounds off of us

  10. That could be, but judging by all the guys that I have seen its not too hard for the woman to took way better than the man.

  11. Great post John and very observant. Never really noticed the stripe connection. You think it would spice up dad's suit?